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Below is some light weekend reading for all you live musicians out there…

Now this rant has been around the internet for a while now and I first stumbled across this on Facebook. 

My initial thoughts were that the following passage below was hilarious but at the same time a little too close to home in some places.

I wondered how many live musicians reading this would agree with me so I rediscovered the full rant and posted it below for your enjoyment.

HOW TO REQUEST A SONG FROM THE BAND

“When requesting a song from the band, just say “Hey, play… [insert song here]” 

We all have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of the favourite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar, and all songs ever recorded. So feel free to be vague, we love the challenge.

If we say we really don’t remember that tune, we’re only kidding. Bands do know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. 

Hum harder if need be… it helps jog the memory, or just repeat your request over and over again.

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot they know the tune, or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. 

Any words will do. It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set, followed by the phrase, “YOU SUCK!”

Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger up, are the best way to jog a band’s memory. 

This instantly promotes you to the status of “Personal Friend Of The Band.” You can bet your request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters, and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. 

We don’t actually make setlists or rehearse songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An entertainer’s job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don’t let them off the hook easily. 

Your request is all that matters.

Once you’ve figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your requests from a totally different genre.

The more exaggerated the better. If it’s a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica. Likewise, if it’s a death-speed metal band playing, be sure to request Brown Eyed Girl or some Cold Chisel.

Musicians need to constantly broaden their musical horizons, and it’s your job to see that it happens… Immediately.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time.

Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. We can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don’t worry that we’re in the middle of the chorus.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it’s because they didn’t get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips.

Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasise the words with your lips. This helps immensely but don’t be fooled, singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time.

If the singer doesn’t answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it’s because they are purposely ignoring you.

If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head so they can’t pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don’t give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.

Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards.

Though difficult to get them to play, it’s not impossible, so keep trying. They’re especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. If you’re too drunk to stand unassisted, simply lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you see.

Just pretend you’re in a Karaoke bar and simply walk up on stage and join in.

By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing. If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony.

Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played on one and three and out of tempo. 

Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs help and will take this as a compliment…

Finally, the microphone and PA system are merely props, they don’t really amplify your voice, so when you grab the mic out of the singer’s hand be sure to scream into it at the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you are.

Hearing is overrated anyhow. The crowd and the sound guy will love you for it.

A BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this.

Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you the following day to offer you a position…”

Did you find yourself wincing every now and then? I know I did. 

There is a rock horror story in every sentence and I’m sure we’ve all lived out at least one of them. Is there anything that really resonates with you? If so, let me know. 

You show me your horror story and I’ll show you mine.

Long live live music,

Peace,

Corey 🙂

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It’s a known fact that having a sense of community in our lives is a very important aspect of being human but it’s even more important for songwriters, artists, musicians and bands.

Swimming upstream and forging your own path in this new music business can be a very tiring exercise and quite frankly we need all the support and encouragement we can get.

At this very moment, it seems that the individual is cherished way above the endeavours of the collective group and personally, I think this is a very sad symptom of the modern society we live in today.

You see, underneath all of our technological advances and progress, we are social creatures and to put it quite simply, human beings tend to not function at our fullest potential in anything just by ourselves.

We need other people around us and it’s this strength in numbers that defines the power of building a community, a tribe around you and your music/art.

In this music industry it’s so important to understand the power of networking and developing a working knowledge of the music business from the inside out.

The ongoing aim of anyone building a music career is to build your own tribe of fans, like minded individuals, businesses and organisations that can help you, support you, encourage you and inspire you to become whatever you want your music career to be.

In fact, as songwriters, artists, musicians and bands, the very thing in which we all have in common is… Each other.

That’s COMMUNITY, that’s your TRIBE.

Whether we know it or not, we have all manufactured our own tribe around us and in turn, we are all part of someone else’s tribe. 

The secret is embracing this fact and to use this to your (and everyone else’s) advantage.

As your tribe grows, your music career will grow plus the people around you will grow with you. This is the power of growing your tribe. It’s a place where everyone wins.

With a strong, loyal and passionate tribe behind you and your music…

  • You can get more people to your shows
  • You can get more people to buy/stream your music
  • You can get more people to buy your merch
  • You take the pressure off you to write “hit” songs
  • You negate the need to score a record deal
  • You have more opportunity to reach out to others
  • You feel more supported, encouraged and inspired
  • You receive good quality feedback in a timely manner
  • You are reminded exactly why you do what you do in the first place
  • You have the opportunity to have the best time of your life

I personally have a wonderful community of people, bands and networks that I can tap into and this was apparent to me when I was running Open Mics, organising songwriting showcases and putting on my own shows either as a solo artist or with different bands.

I’m always on the lookout to expand my own tribe hence the reason for Corey Stewart Online. I truly believe that if you build your tribe, they will come.

Nowadays, building a tribe, an audience, a community and a team around you and your music is equally as important as the music you create, the songs you write and the art you produce. 

This is because your tribe is YOUR CURRENCY. 

It’s your measure of (potential) success. It’s what you bring to the table when you approach anyone about anything to do with your music career.

Tribes are created on the foundation of inclusion rather than competition, collaboration and cooperation rather than exclusion and elitism and in conclusion.

Now, imagine if the music industry as a whole worked on these principles there would be a multitude of networks all helping each and every one of us to reach the same goal… 

To be seen, to be heard, to be noticed and to be validated.

I just want to be part of that positive forward momentum. Come and join me.

Peace,

Corey 🙂

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With the 2022 AFL Grand Final done and dusted, this time of year between the end of the AFL season and the beginning of the Cricket season is in my opinion, absolutely wonderful.

No more wasting precious oxygen on innocuous and irrelevant patches of small talk revolving around the footy. Who wins, who loses and the stats in-between are of no interest to me at all.

As a professional musician for many years who played in pubs with huge flatscreen televisions pumping out sport in all directions to a mindless audience, I was at war with sport for the attention of the masses.

(No doubt, I’ll be facing that very same fight again when I’m back out gigging but hopefully with a fresher perspective from being a little older and wiser)

I do remember the gigs I played post footy season. Those were the one where the punters actually listened… That was a refreshing change.

Personally, I don’t understand the concept of pubs with so many TV’s as it seems to defeat the whole purpose of going to a pub in the first place. Isn’t a pub a place to meet and have a conversation with others?

Maybe I’m just becoming a cranky old bugger.

I do see it time and time again though, a pub full of people but no-one talking to each other. All eyes are glued to the sport, or the TAB or whatever else is flashing up on the multitude of screens around the place.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really dislike sport per se, I just think there’s a time and a place for everything.

Looking back on my time as a professional musician, I noticed a disturbing trend of being hired solely as a de-facto jukebox politely playing in the background while the punters are simply watching TV or, rudely texting on their mobiles.

To me, it seemed that a lack of a multitude of ambient background noise/images was the enemy to the audience and I have no idea why.

Another thing I had noticed was that the amount of clapping (or at the very least, polite general recognition that there was live music in the room) had decreased dramatically and trying to communicate to people through live music was becoming harder and harder to achieve.

I really don’t want to sound like I’m having a whinge. I mean, live music is awesome and I’m still looking forward to playing music for a living again. I do realise that with every occupation there are good days and not so good days to experience.

I get that.

However, I just want to be part of a live music scene that makes a difference in peoples lives rather than just being a functional accompaniment to watching sport on the TV.

Is that too much to ask?

Oh well, AFL is over for another year, Summer is just around the corner and things are looking up and even though I’ve just gone on a bit of a rant about Sport vs Music, I do love my cricket…

Peace,

Corey 🙂